To the Christian Single Desperate for Marriage

I remember when I was nineteen and desperate for marriage.

I had completed high school, trained and was working as a Pharmacy Auxiliary. I therefore saw nothing more to add to my life than a husband.

I was a few months old as a Christian, and had been taught a pattern: "Once you get born-again, and have a job, the next thing is marriage".

I wasn't desperate for marriage as in going after anyone, but I honestly believed that I was going to develop hypertension if that year passed with me still single.

In the midst of that hyper nervous state, I got the opportunity to go back to school for three years to train as a Pharmacy Technician.

I saw the three years to be eternity. Instead of marriage, I was going to school! For three looooong years!

And being a mission-led school, the rule at the time was that you could not get pregnant as a student, even if you were married. If you were single, you got dismissed for fornication.

To me, that rule (minus the fornication) was horrible. I was desperate to marry and start having children immediately.

Finally, I went to school, and towards the end of the second year, I got into a relationship which soon got sour. I experienced my first break up, which was very, very painful.

After the third year, I was posted to the capital city on a good salary. Then something happened that was going to change my life forever.

On the first day of work, I discovered that I hated the job! It was not a field I was going to stay in for the rest of my life.

Though I still desired marriage, the desperation to know my direction in life began to consume me even more than the desire for marriage.

It came to a point where I turned men down because I could see we weren't compatible when I considered the direction my life had to face.

My second and last heartbreak was connected to my job, the fact that I felt like my life ought to be going a different direction, and yet the guy wanted me for the job.

During that period, I made the life-changing decision to quit and follow what I believed was God's direction for me.

I'm still single. But the older I get, the less desperate for marriage I have become. As I look back, I'm grateful to God that I didn't settle before I knew what I now know.

I would have been one dissatisfied, frustrated girl. I have found fulfillment in being who God created me to be. It would have been almost impossible for me to change directions while already married, without the marriage suffering terribly.

My passion to influence Singles has been borne out of my experience. And it's indeed a passion which I'd probably never had known had my desperation yielded the fruit of a premature marriage.

Now I see how the advice sometimes given to Christian Singles can be harmful, causing many singles to become desperate for marriage, without having taken advantage of the uniqueness to be found in singleness.

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How to tell you are desperate for marriage

Desperation for marriage can be manifested differently based on the degree of your eagerness.

Mine was an intense 'unjustifiable' yearning for marriage. I  qualify it as unjustifiable because I had no particular reason except for the fact that I felt that marriage was the next best thing to make me complete.

I was taught that since I was born-again and had something doing, I was almost complete except that I still lacked marriage.

Another way desperation can be expressed is in the willingness to accept ANYONE.

As a Christian, you know that the Bible forbids marriage to a non-believer, yet your longing for matrimony can cause you to ignore the warnings of Scripture.

Desperation can also be seen in your prayers. The bulk of your burden is about a partner. You constantly bombard the gates of heaven with pleas for a mate.

There's nothing wrong in praying for a mate, but you can do it in ways that show you do not trust God's Fatherly heart.

You're asking in a way that literally says, "If I don't weary this uncaring God, he will not meet my need'.

And while you are depriving God of rest 'cause of your need for a mate, you are hardly living in a close walk with him. You don't understand his purpose for you, you do not hear his voice, you do not live in submission to his will.

As far as you and God are concerned, all you want is for him to provide you a mate. Period.

That means your yearning for marriage is bigger than your longing for God. You can't say together with the psalmist, "as the deer pants for the waters, so my soul longs for you".

No, your soul longs for marriage, 'cause all your mates are getting married. Your soul longs for marriage 'cause you would soon look cursed if you don't get married soon. You are willing to do anything possible to get the status "Married".

Yet Scriptures says our Heavenly Father knows what we need even before we ask. He says we should rather seek first his kingdom, than wear out ourselves in the same pursuits as unbelievers who have no regard for God.

You do not need to weary God before you get a mate. You do not have to run helter-skelter, with your tongue sticking out, in search of Mr. Right.

You can lessen your desperate desire, and let other passions consume you.

Being desperate for marriage is an unhealthy place to be

When you are consumed by a desire, there can be the tendency to do everything possible to accomplish your goal.

With desperation for marriage, the results are not usually good. This is because the resultant worry and panic can lead you to take wrong steps.

Some Christian Singles have succumbed to fornication in their desperate desire to get married.

Others have gone ahead to marry someone with whom they are not compatible.

Still others have abandoned God's assignment for them in order to accommodate their partner's wishes.

How to overcome your desperation for marriage

I thank the Lord that he drew my attention to other pursuits, which helped lessen my intense unhealthy desire for marriage.

This helped bring me to a place of contentment, where marriage is good but not a status to pursue at the expense of my relationship with God and his purpose for me.

And that is the message he has given to me for the Christian Single: find fulfillment in God, understand his unique purpose for you, and prepare for a good marriage, for those called to marriage. I think this important to emphasize because many times, full time singles are not given proper attention.

There's absolutely nothing wrong in living a fulfilling life as a full-time single. It is not an inferior or second-best life.

There's much I want to say here, but I'm just going to refer to other articles on this site.

7 Things Every Christian Single Must Understand Before Marriage

Also check out this other article: Why Am I Still Single?

Other Pursuits

You need to replace your intense desire for marriage with something else.

You can't be in close walk with God and be desperate for marriage.

You can't understand the direction God wants your life to go in, and still be desperate for marriage.

It all boils down to your relationship with the Lord.

Desperation makes you turn a normal desire for a craving that can cause you to make mistakes you'll live with for the rest of your life.

No matter what your reasons are to be desperate for marriage, it usually doesn't yield the right fruit. You can learn to keep your heart at peace and find fulfillment in singleness even as you prepare and wait for marriage.

Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. God bless,

Janet.

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