Tips on How to Heal From a Painful Breakup With Maturity

smiling young womanImage by Dellon Thomas from Pixabay

I suffered a painful breakup some years ago. Tears gushed down my recently blossomed cheeks. My life had come to an end. My dreams of a happily ever had been dashed by circumstances I couldn’t control.

There was no purpose for which to live again. What could be worse than a painful breakup?

Working in the pharmacy one evening, I eyed the container of formaldehyde and wished I had enough effrontery to drink an ounce of the deadly liquid.

Thank God, the fear of going to hell restrained me.

I would think, "If I could rewind the hand of time." I would fix some things. I would be more cautious. I would hold my tongue. I would say this or that. I would love more."

But since I couldn’t rewind the hand of time, I had to endure the painful breakup. Month after month, pain, guilt, and regret tortured me. I smiled painfully amid companions, but in private, I was a vegetable.

Many times, depression and despair pulled me down into their dark and dirty gutters. I hated myself. I was mad at God.

Then one day, light began to shine. I looked at the situation squarely and chose to heal.

I still remember how it felt. Soothing. I was taking a giant step. I was letting go of the past to embrace the future.

I'd never prayed for a painful breakup, I'd never believed I could experience breakup as a Christian, but I'd been hit hard.

Nevertheless, I could heal. Yes, I could accept my mistakes and benefit from the situation.  You know, a painful breakup can have its benefits.

I wouldn’t be what I am today without that breakup. I don't believe God occasioned it, but I thank him for the lessons learned.

Painful breakup is not the end of life.

This is the first truth you must hold onto. One reason breakup is painful is that we exaggerate our understanding of it. Our minds are so burdened with dark clouds that we rarely believe the sun would shine again.

That pain you feel at the moment, years from now, you would laugh at it. You would wonder why you thought your world had crumbled.

Why is the breakup so painful?

Stop for a moment and answer the question. Why are you grieving?

The probability is that your answer is not a good one.

"I can't live without him or her." Sobs and blows the nose.

"I'd flaunted the relationship. What would my friends think?" More sobs.

"I may never find love again." Boohoos.

"God told me we were meant to be." Confusion, mingled with panic attacks.

Unearthing the reason for your pain is a step in facing the breakup the right way.

Let God comfort you.

No friend or acquaintance or anything else can comfort you as God can.

I had friends show compassion and love. And it helped. But my real comfort had to come from God, because at the end of the day, the intensity of my pain was deeply rooted in the faulty image I had of the heavenly Father.

I wish I'd known better before then. Instead of running to God, I ran from him. I believed he told me the guy was going to be my husband. Therefore, the breakup meant I had done something to spoil God's will. That was unforgivable.

The few moments I did pray, I complained and begged God to tell the guy to come back to me. I can't remember ever asking the Lord to comfort me. The only comfort I wanted was to have the man back!

It wasn't until I went back to learning about God's unconditional love and grace that I began to receive some comfort.

I saw how I'd sought validation in a relationship and placed my self-esteem in a man. I'd believed the man was the best thing ever happened. I'm ashamed to say this, but I cherished the man's love above Jesus's love.

When you run to God for comfort during a painful breakup, he'll show you where you went wrong, and why the breakup seems unbearable. Can you imagine desiring to kill yourself because someone walked out of your life! I wanna puke.

Jesus died for you, and you want to dishonor him by killing yourself cos a mere mortal rejected you? Hello.

Owning the relationship mistakes relieves your heart from justifying the wrong.

It also helps you become a better person. I'm stronger today because I finally accepted I had a problem with feelings of inferiority and low self-esteem.

By accept here, I mean you decide to do something about it. Mere acknowledgment won't solve the problem. You would just carry it over to the next relationship.

The mistakes don't have to be yours only. If your partner wasn't a saint, don't excuse him. Don't blame yourself alone when the fault was mutual. Don't swallow the responsibility if the other party caused the breakup.

For us women, many, many, many of us tolerate nonsense in relationships. How better can one shout this? We're the ones who cling unto a relationship as though it were a matter of life and death.

We don't believe we can meet someone else if we let go of the present relationship. We don't think our lives can be better without that person.

That's why we condone their bad habits, we ignore relationship red flags, that's why we sweep faults under the rug. "Let's just get married, and everything will fall into place."

When God shows us mercy by occasioning a breakup, we get mad at him. Many a Christian sister has gone wayward for a season after a painful breakup they didn't cause.

You can be happy after a painful breakup

This statement doesn’t sound true at the moment of pain, but it is, nonetheless.

Even if you caused the breakup, you can still be happy. It takes maturity and leads to more maturity. Own your mistakes. Grow up. God still loves you no matter what you've done or what has been done against you.

God alone is the source of your joy. If you let him comfort you, you would learn the lessons this experience teaches you. You can never be the same again, you can never be less.

One thing I resolved to do after healing from my painful breakup was to boldly pursue my passion.

I'd been willing to bury it to accommodate a man, but when God opened my eyes to the truth that he alone is my life and joy, I determined I was going to pursue his purpose for me. That has been a source of strength and joy.

A painful breakup could be just what you need to refocus. If you had ended up with that person, you might never fulfill God's unique purpose for your life. You would live another person's life. And be unhappy.

Should I tell you something you probably have never heard? Come closer, let me whisper into your ear.

"Many people are unhappily married. Many singles are happily single. Many singles are living purposeful lives, preparing for lifelong enjoyable marriages."

Someone walked out of your life? Wonderful! You can meet someone more awesome. You caused the breakup by a bad attitude? Excellent! You can learn and grow. Work on yourself.

You don't have to kill yourself. You don't have to grieve forever. Like it's been said, a mess can create a message.

Occupying yourself during a painful breakup leaves not much room for grief.

The pain of a breakup can be amplified if all you do is seek opportunities to be alone so you can mourn the life you've missed.

There are a thousand and one things you can do to distract yourself. Great ones, as well as pure entertainment, to wave away the temptation to beat yourself up or attempt to beg the person who left you to come back.


If I were to experience a breakup today, besides seeking comfort from the Lord, I would head to Amazon and load my kindle with good books! Fiction and non-fiction.

If you don't have money, you can always find hundreds of free ebooks.

Or I'd move to webtoons and entertain myself with godly comics.

What can you do besides grieving? Think. Write down ideas for projects you could engage in.

Drown that pain. Tie a rope around its neck and hang it. It's not the end of life. It could just be the beginning.

God loves YOU.

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Janet is a Christian who loves to write. She uses her talent to encourage the pursuit of intimacy with God and a purpose-driven life.

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